Death of a Pet...and the Zoo!

Aidan's pet hamster, Fuzzy Puff, died last friday, three days after Cai was born. Luckily Aidan got to hold him for his last minutes of life. Dad stayed with Aidan while he held Fuzzy Puff probably for about a half an hour. Aidan was able to grieve and say goodbye to his cherished pet.

Afterwards we found a Bernard Callebaut chocolate box to bury Fuzzy Puff in. We wrapped him in a little blanket before sealing him in his perfect sized coffin. Aidan wrote on the top: 'Fuzzy Puff you're as sweet as chocolate' and drew a few hearts. Then he and dad found a perfect place to bury him, under the front yard bush, below the bird feeder. Aidan placed a marker where he wrote Fuzzy Puff's name and drew hearts and pictures.

Later, Sean took the kids to the zoo, as had been the plan for the day. Both kids were in good spirits. It always impresses me, the resilience of children.

On leaving, Aidan made up a poem which I suggested he write down. I include a photo of it, all written with his own spelling. It reads: "I'm going to the zoo today and tonight by bedside I will pray that all the animals are safe and sound all snuzzled up on zoo ground."

Butterflies!

Our butterflies are born! They started to emerge from their crysalids while I labored with Cai. Most arrived on the day our baby boy did - the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

The kids enjoyed releasing the Painted Ladies into the backyard.

Cai Emerus Is Born!

Cai Emerus was born May 22 at home in the birth pool. He weighed in at 7 pounds, 9 ounces, after a most interesting labor.

I had prepaved this birth with three words: easy, fast and blissful. I kept those words close by at all times and repeated them often.

Easy

Labor began late at night after the solar eclipse, just as I expected it, the weekend I decided I wanted it. At 4:45 am, my water broke, clinching that the time was indeed at hand! I was excited. Sean helped change the sheets and crawled back into bed with his iPad. I suggested he set up the birth pool, as I was expecting a fast labor. I crawled into bed to labor some more as Sean did this. My labor was indeed easy and blissful. I enjoyed the ride of each contraction, remembering to surrender all of myself to them. Contractions went from 5 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart, 45 seconds long. I got into the birth pool and Sean and I enjoyed some lovely time together in the early morning, blissfully laboring. I thought how perfect it'd be if the kids were waking up in time for Cai to be born!

Fast

A problem with affirmations and positive thinking can occur when opposing vibrations are subconsciously present. A fast labor, this was not to be. Was it due to apprehension? Some element of my character? In any case, the kids woke up and I was still in my happy labor. No matter. After a bit it became clear that it was prudent to call my mom to be support and caretaker for the kids for the day. She came over quickly, with donuts and breakfast. I found that some of my best contractions were either when I was completely alone and could totally emmerse myself in the sensations, letting go fully, or when Sean and I kissed. When we kissed, an intense contraction dissolved into pure pleasure. It was startling how powerful the effect was. But as they say, the intimacy that got babe in, works best to get babe out!

Heading into noon, mom offered to take the kids to Let's Play. They jumped at the opportunity, despite having wanted to be present for the birth. Priorities. Soon after they left, we opted to call our midwife to let her know our status. She came over and checked me to be at 7-8 cm and about ready to go! She had three other ladies in labor (we blamed the eclipse) but choose to stay with us because she figured I was closest. While she arranged care for the other ladies, I was feeling excited but guilty and suddenly under lots of pressure to perform. And so, unsurprisingly in retrospect, my labor slowed and eventually stopped.

I'm a very private person. Birth is a very private thing. For some reason I really don't birth well under observation.

Late at night we decided to try a bunch of things to get labor going again. Nothing worked. So we wound up going to bed! My mom offered to keep the kids for a sleepover, which was such a blessing.

Blissful

Waking to my contractions was a bit more intense than was comfortable due to a muscle spasm that had developed in my right side, so I wound up crawling into a hot bath and enjoyed the rest of the night there, waking to the occasional contraction and adding hot water as needed. I visualized Cai being born simply and easily in the tub before morning. It had been a truly blissful labor so far and I felt quite close.

But soon there were no contractions at all. In the morning, even climbing stairs and wiggling my hips dancing wouldn't even bring on a contraction. I simply was not in labor. We talked with our midwife who suggested we just wait for it to start back up, continuing life as usual, or we could take an inducing concoction including lemon verbena and castor oil. I liked the idea of keeping everything as natural as possible, but Sean's week off work had already started and we had care secured for the kids for one more night. I wanted it to end. We opted for the concoction.

When labor had slowed and stopped, both Sean and I started having thoughts of apprehension and concern. For some reason, this labor felt like it was heading in the same direction as Aidan's had, eight years ago - which ended in a c-section. I've had a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after ceserean) with Summer, so I was really shocked to feel issues arising from my first birth. But the fear was real. Suddenly, for the first time in this entire pregnancy, the thought of a hospital transfer needing to occur laid heavy on my mind. I just wanted to get him out.

Our midwife instructed us in what we needed for the concoction: almond butter, apricot or peach juice, and castor oil. She brought over a couple of doses of lemon verbena and I took the concoction. Two hours later, nothing had really changed. Our midwife gave me a dose of antibiotics because of the prolonged membranes rupture and unknown GBS status, all to buy us time. I took another dose of the concoction and Sean and I got ready to go for a vigorous walk in the pouring rain. Our midwife left - recognizing that even if it took effect right away, I needed my space.

We didn't have a chance for the walk. Within fifteen minutes I was actively working on pushing my baby out. Once we were sure nothing was going to stop this time, we called back our midwife.

Now I still had a tiny bit of cervix holding Cai back, making this part of labor the toughest I've ever been through. In retrospect, I think my experience from here was effected because I didn't have the build up of endorphins and oxytocin (which provides pain relief in the brain) that I'd normally have had without the stop in labor. I went from no labor to the sudden and intense continuation of a labor at Transition, 9 1/2 cm dilated. I think I was also effected strongly by my memories of Aidan being declared 'just not going to come'. I was anxious that it felt like Cai just wasn't going to come too.

It felt like I worked for days but it was only 3 hours. Cai's head was cocked a little funny, making his descent challenging. I felt like I was birthing for the first time. Pushing lasted about 30 minutes to my shock afterwards. It felt like half the day and was the most intense work of my life. I had planned on 'breathing my baby down', gently and effortlessly. I've seen it done! I know it is possible. Even my midwife reminded me that women have birthed in a coma. But for some reason, it was not to be for this labor. I pushed and worked harder than I ever thought possible. And I so didn't want too! My resistance was so strong. I didn't want to do it. But I had no choice. Decidedly, this baby had only one direction to go. I did what I had to do.

It was utterly spectacular feeling his head emerge. I actually felt it with my hands. Now it was real. I could do it. He was here! Sean caught Cai as he finished coming and then they put him straight to my chest. It was an ecstatic moment. My beautiful, perfect baby was unbelievably in my arms. Right away he was looking up at me, meeting his mother for the first time.

The placenta came easily. Sean cut the cord. The midwives gave us such wonderful care - giving us ample time with our baby before weighing and measuring, providing safe passage to the bed, making food for us to eat, cleaning up all signs of the birth and the pool, and even getting laundry on. It was such bliss, after all my hard work, to lie cozy and snug in my bed with warmed up blankets and my new baby, easily nursing at my side. It was worth every moment.

I've spent lots of time thinking of how this labor went down. It wasn't quite what I expected but it was still wonderful. The majority of the actual labor was indeed blissful and easy. And the amount of hard labor really wasn't long. One thing Sean suggested: I have spent a lot of time telling the story of my other births and Aidan's in particular. My mantra had virtually been 'if I had it to do again...'. I've said these words a lot, in forums and conversations, both through my doula work and personal conversations. Sean saw that the Universe provided: I had my opportunity to do it again. My cervix was stubborn, my baby was situated in such a way that made it hard for him to descend. In Aidan's case, we were just declared incapable and wheeled into surgery. But I always wondered about what could have been if we were just allowed the time we needed. Well, now I know.

Our family is now complete. As I finish this post, it is 6 days later. It's been tricky adjusting to a newborn in the house. But it's been joyous and blissful too. Cai is a very happy, peaceful and easy going baby. My physical recovery has been far easier than both previous births. The kids are well-adjusted and simply love their baby brother. Sean has been amazing at being domestic and helping out.

As always, life is joy!

The Moments of Life

Life is made up of a series of beautiful and perfect moments. When you can be in them, not fretting about the future or past, then life has no choice but to be perfect and wonderful.

As I enjoy my new baby, I oscillate between fully enjoying these delicious moments and anxiety about the logistics of everyday life. But then I remind myself that I don't need to figure it all out right this minute. We can always cope with the moment. And that's all we ever have to do!

Today was our first day on our own, with Sean back to work. I was a little anxious about how it would go, as Sean's been such an amazing help this past week. But it went great! A great start, as we work to figure out new routines. It sure helped that I had dinner already made as a freezer meal.

And you know what? I'm getting more sleep than I have in months! I wake for Cai's feeding (and occasional changing) throughout the night - but I sleep solidly between them. The last three sleepless nights of my third trimester have trained me well. I even love the night best of all: being able to just snuggle with Cai and enjoy breastfeeding without interruptions or needs to be elsewhere, doing other things. It's such a peaceful time.

Life with a newborn is just that - peaceful.

Solar Eclipse!

Bonfire. Hot dog and marshmallow roast. Bocce ball. Board games. Solar eclipse. Sunday was a very full and fun night!

I've never seen a solar eclipse before. In preparation for its coming, I ordered solar glasses for each of us. Weather reports however suggested the night would likely be too cloudy to view it. Regardless, we planned on having a good time. We invited over grandma and grandpa, lit the first fire of the season and had a blast. Luckily, the clouds cooperated after all. Sean set up the telescope and amidst our fun, we'd all stop on occasion to look through the glasses or at the sun's projection from the telescope. We watched the eclipse from start to finish. It was amazing to behold - a full 60% eclipse. The lighting didn't seem to be affected though; if you didn't know of the eclipse, you likely wouldn't have noticed anything. But it was cool watching the sun become crescent shaped.

The kids look through the solar glasses

The eclipse at about 30%





I'd say the marshmallows were the kids favorite part of the night.

Bocce Ball

NLC End of Year Party

Friday we went to Argyll for the Natural Learning Community end of year party. Our facilitator, Beth, put together a wonderful afternoon with games and prizes. There was face painting, snacks and even ice cream!

It was wonderful to reconnect with many of our natural learning friends.

Gardening Joys

I figured it wouldn't be so bad, cleaning out my garden nine months pregnant. It would help get things moving! I could do it. Well, I underestimated how daunting the task turned out to be. I had been thinking of this for the past week, tackling it a little bit at a time. I'm at the stage of pregnancy where you're more likely to pick up a sock with your toes because man, it's just so far down there!

I thought about hiring our babysitter, Alex, for some garden manual labor. Or recruiting Sean. The best solution came to me easily in the form of a generous neighbor with a rototiller. So in under ten minutes, our mess of a garden was transformed into lush and clean mounds of deep dark earth. Suddenly and effortlessly, our garden is ready to plant.

Jump two days forward, this Saturday, I pick up strawberry plants from the farmers market (Aidan has wanted to grow some of his own) and then we're all out buying seeds for our eagerly waiting garden bed.

We picked out carrots, romaine lettuce, red and green leaf lettuce, curly Kale, rainbow chard, and spaghetti squash. To add, we have leftover seeds of spinach, scarlet runner beans and zucchini. I'd like to do collards, but couldn't find any. And seed potatoes, but those weren't around either.

To add, the kids wanted to get an assortment of flowers. We picked up a few seed packs of perennials in our enthusiasm, including Lupins, Snap Dragons, Foxgloves, an edible flower plant, the 'Frightened Plant' and a pretty packet called 'Pinks'. To which we had already Calendula, Sunflowers, Echinacea and Lavender. Such fun!

However, I was quick to realize on the way home that a lot of work was before me. I've never done anything with our various flower garden spaces (other than one year where I planted Honeyberries and Blueberries - which are flowering for the first time now! As well as raspberries and Bleeding Hearts which are both thriving). The front and side gardens however have remained largely neglected. Well no longer! 9 months pregnant, I'm finally starting to get my gardens in order. That night we spent a good hour working on cleaning out the front side garden. Visions of stacks of lupins and snap dragons flash through my head, interspersed with delicate Calendula and Pinks. I worked carefully around a few Irises and tulips, and two remaining Hollyhock plants (they produce gorgeous black flowers and are lovely additions to a salad). It wasn't long though before my ankles started to protest by growing ever so thick and swollen. Time for a break. The going is slow. In the meantime, my surges/contractions grow more frequent, reminding me of the closeness of labor.

After our snake hiberniculum trip today - Mother's Day - we came home with some fast food and went right to work on the garden. It was a long, tiring day already, so we just managed to do the vegetable garden. The kids were helpful as always, although Summer almost did the whole thing on her own. I hoed rows. She seeded them, covered them, staked them and watered them. She also planted the strawberry plants from the Farmer's Market. 

While we worked, Sean started on painting the new fence we neglected last year. The kids were initially helping him, but it turned out to be such an unproductive venture, that we redirected them into the gardening instead. Who knew painting a fence was such hard and tedious work! It's just something we've never had to do before. It will be an ongoing activity, as Sean managed one panel (of eleven) in about a couple of hours. It looks beautiful though, with a nice Cedar transparent stain.

Tomorrow we'll probably work more on clearing the front garden to plant as many of our wonderful seeds as we can manage. I love the busy-ness of spring!